Book Review

Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most
By: Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen
of the Harvard Negotiation Project

Reviewed by: Liz Wally

If you haven't already read this gem, you are in for a treat!  The book is similar in size and accessibility as Getting to Yes.  I love the way the authors have framed familiar information and concepts, making them fresh while highlighting their importance and relevance.  By concentrating on long-standing, thorny disputes, they have come up with an easy-to-understand and easy -to-follow “recipe” for working through these challenging conflicts. 

They suggest that there are three different conversations involved as people go through the issues: “What Happened”, “Feelings Conversation” and the “Identity Conversation”.  They call the whole a “learning conversation”.   Throughout, they summarize, juxtapose, box, and restate the frames and main points so that you can quickly review or refer to them.  Very handy!  The examples they use are realistic and to the point.

Some quotes:

“The 'What Happened?' conversation is where we spend much of our time in difficult conversations as we struggle with our different stories about who's right, who meant what, and who's to blame.  On each of these three fronts – truth, intentions, and blame – we make a  common but crippling assumption. Straightening out each of these assumptions is essential to improving our ability to handle difficult conversations well.” (p.9)

“...difficult conversations do not just involve feelings, they are at their very core about feelings... Engaging in a difficult conversation without talking about feelings is like staging an opera without the music.” (p. 13)

“The Identity Conversation looks inward: it's all about who we are and how we see ourselves.  How does what happened affect my self-esteem, my self-image, my sense of who I am in the world?  What impact will it have on my future?  What self-doubts do I harbor?  In short: before, during, and after the difficult conversation, the Identity Conversation is about what I am saying to myself about me.” (p.14)

As the authors dissect the process, they give lively examples of both interior and exterior conversations.  Here is an example of  interior conversations:

“There are endless thoughts and feelings you might have while you're listening, but by now you know the patterns: your voice will be chattering away in each of the Three Conversations.  In the “What Happened?” Conversation, you'll find yourself thinking things like “I'm right,” “I did not intend to hurt you,” and “This isn't my fault.”  You'll also notice plenty of feelings (“I can't believe she thinks that about me! I'm so furious!” and identity issues (“Was I really that thoughtless?  I couldn't have been.”) Or not uncommonly, you may simply be daydreaming (“I wonder if there's enough meatloaf for the in-laws”) or beginning to prepare your response (When it's my turn to talk, there are four points I'm going to make.”

 I recently have introduced many of their concepts in working with a group and find that it has helped them feel more participatory in their own discussions. And I gave their supervisor a copy of the book; he is enthusiastic about carrying on after I leave. 

With the checklists, road maps, examples, and charts, as well as the informal language of the book, this book is useful both to novices in the field and old-time trainers, like myself.  There is always something more to learn, especially if you hear it framed just a little differently.

Liz Wally - Reviewer
July 21, 2006